Human Soup

Your face must be tired, the way you’ve been– is that smiling?– into the camera for the last hour. Face muscles are not intended to freeze in that position for so long. No one smiles like that. I know it. You know it. Everyone knows it.

Wait, but don’t stop! Stay strong. If you stop smiling now, someone might think you’re not paying attention, or that you have emotions, or that you’re a human person. Don’t let them think you’re anything. Look into the camera, not at yourself. I said not at yourself. You look fine, promise, just keep the smile.

A slight head nod helps you look engaged if done at just the right moment. Not now; wait for it. “Our Q3 growth has been sustained by..” Now! Use the neck but not too much, not that much! Too much looks fake. Don’t look fake. Yes. Nailed it.

You can’t continue to live like this, can you? I know I can’t.

I’m on Zoom literally all day. And I am using the word literally, literally. I sneak to the bathroom on mute, my phone balanced on the edge of the sink while I check and double and triple-check that little mute icon because God help me, I will never recover if someone hears me pee. I walk the dog with my camera off, looking through the screen at the sidewalk below, hoping that no one says my name expecting a thoughtful comment when I’m squatting over a steaming pile with a green plastic bag over my hand. I eat, apologetically and rarely. And at the end of the day, my face hurts, my head hurts, and my soul hurts. I usually crawl into bed for a while, stare at the ceiling, and reconsider all the choices that led me to this.

Virtual meetings have created a new kind of fatigue–different than had you tossed and turned last night, or just read Tolstoy, or run a marathon. It’s a deadness, a weight, a soul-crushing emptiness that starts behind the eyes and works its way through your entire being. It’s not ok. We are not ok.

So what are you going to do about it?

Meetings don’t have to be a strange, pointless, awkward, rambling, defeating, and uncomfortable waste of time. I’m serious. They just don’t.

You can change your organization from the inside by leading meetings where people’s faces relax, their jaws unclench, and they pay attention, truly, for 55 minutes. Where people leave feeling respected, heard, and even, dare I say it…not terrible. Where something actually gets done. Maybe you’ve attended a meeting like this once or twice. Maybe never. But it is possible.

It won’t be easy, and you’ll have to experiment. But you can start here:

• Look around–who is leading the meeting? If you don’t know, you’re in big trouble. Every call needs a facilitator; otherwise, you might as well turn your camera off and start planning that vacation to Puerto Rico because the call isn’t going anywhere. Actually, go ahead and plan that vacation anyway; you deserve it, but if no one is facilitating the meeting, it’s you. Congratulations!!
• You can facilitate a meeting regardless of your place in the organization. You don’t have to be in charge to take the initiative–you can just do it. The role of the facilitator is simply to facilitate–not to know everything. To facilitate means simply to help something run more smoothly and effectively, to make it easy. Think back to your 8th great Spanish class with Mrs. Miller, recuerda que no fue fácil.
• The first moments will set the tone. Don’t screw it up. No great meeting has ever started with everyone sitting awkwardly, waiting for others to join, checking their email, muttering to themselves. That’s my worst nightmare. Please make it stop. As the facilitator, you should greet each person as they join by name. YES, even say hello to that person with their camera off. Especially say the name of that person with their camera off. They need to know that you see them. (If there are over ten people in the meeting, then just say ‘Hello, Everyone!’ or ‘Howdy Partners!’ or whatever you want over and over again as people join). Acknowledging each person communicates that you are not messing around–the meeting will be interactive, and their participation is expected. (It’s also, like, nice).
• It’s always good to have a question in your back pocket as people join. Try “How was your weekend (say their name!)? Trivia can be fun, too. “Do you know what you call a group of bats?” No, really, I bet you don’t know. It’s a cauldron. A cauldron of bats. Yank that puppy out, and I guarantee you’ll make some new friends. If you hear every voice at the beginning of the call, they will be much more likely to participate, which leads to a more productive meeting, which means it wasn’t a total waste of everyone’s time.
• Ok great! So everyone has joined and they know what a group of bats is called, so it’s time to begin the meeting. If you were together in person, someone would turn on a projector, stand up, or do something awkward like a queen wave to indicate that the meeting was starting. In Zoom, we’re often stuck in our little boxes wondering WTF is happening. So, what do you do? If you’re me, whatever you do will be awkward (see Queen’s wave above). But do something anyway–you’re not me, so it might be totally fine. Try, “Ok, great! It looks like we have everyone; let’s get started.” There are other options — singing a short song, perhaps, or putting on a cowboy hat, but that might make it weird. Keep it simple.
• Often, we drop into these meetings in a daze with no time to mentally transition from the previous one, not even knowing where we are. So clearly state the purpose and the goals of the call. Say, “We’re here today to talk about X so that we can X,” in your own words, of course. I don’t mean to talk about the site formerly known as Twitter. Fill in the X with what you are talking about. Then you can pause and make sure no one says, Oops! Wrong call” Or, “I thought we were talking about this other thing!” It also makes it clear that you’re not going to let the conversation go off the rails, so don’t even try.
• Then, and this is SUPER important: make introductions. Don’t assume everyone knows each other or why they are relevant to the conversation. This can be quick: “Does everyone know each other?” or “I know we all know each other but…” Then, quickly introduce each person with their name, role, and purpose. “We have Hanz, from accounting, here because he can contribute basic math skills…” This makes it clear that everyone on the call has a purpose, and you are not wasting anyone’s time. Side note: make sure everyone on the call has a purpose and you are not wasting anyone’s time.
• Then you should have a list of things to talk about, fancy people call it an agenda–it’s just a list of things to talk about. As the facilitator of the call, your job is to guide the conversation and keep it on track. Again, it is NOT to have the answers to everything on the list or monopolize the conversation.
• Your most important job is to make sure everyone has an opportunity to contribute and feels safe doing so. Try, “Does anyone else have anything they’d like to say?” And then let there be a moment of silence. Silence is okay. Silence is wonderful. Enjoy it. And for god’s sake, don’t call out the quiet person and say, “Marla, you’ve been quiet.” Marla knows she’s quiet. Marla will speak if everyone will just shut up for one second so she can think.
• It’s also your job to make sure Gary doesn’t dominate the conversation with his constant list of loosely related grievances. Shut Gary down. Fast. This is hard because Gary is intense and a little scary, but you have to do it. Interrupt him. “We’re getting off track here, so I’m going to bring us back on topic.”
• Someone should be taking notes. That’s a whole other post. Just make sure someone is taking notes. Not me. I suck at notes. I’m not going to write that post, so look elsewhere.
• Watch the time. There is NOTHING more annoying than coming to the last five minutes of a call and watching everyone blow right past the hour with no acknowledgment. Start to wrap your call at least 5 minutes before the time is up. People have other meetings. They have to pee. They have to walk the dog. They’re really f*$***$*$*$g hungry. Please don’t assume that this is the most important thing they have going on today. I promise you it is not.
• How do you wrap up a call? Easy. “This is a great conversation (you can lie if you need to), but we’ve got about five minutes left, so I want to recap where we are and talk next steps.” Then, you summarize the call and any decisions made, recap the next steps (which, if you haven’t gotten through the agenda, should include scheduling the next call), and ask if everyone in the group agrees with your recap. This is one of the most undervalued and most difficult skills in the world–it means you listened. You can practice by recapping each episode of Love is Blind (or your junk TV of choice) as though it were a Zoom meeting.
• Then, and this is the most important part, after the call, thank the participants for their time and ask for their feedback. Send out a short email or survey explaining that you don’t want anyone to sit in pointless, terrible, soul-crushing meetings (use your own words) that make them question their purpose on this planet, and you need their help to fix it. You can ask: Was the meeting useful? Did it accomplish the goals? Was it worth their time? Did they feel heard? What would have made it better? If you’re in a position of power, acknowledge that, and know you may not get honest results. But just the act of asking will make a difference.

We can’t go on like this.

Going to work shouldn’t force you to ignore your humanity. Not only will we burn out completely, but society will eventually grind to a halt because nothing is getting done. But you are not powerless–you can make things better.

So relax your face. Take a deep breath. Stretch. And start creating a space where people feel alive and are willing to work during meetings rather than online shopping and festering in bitterness and frustration. It won’t happen overnight, but be patient. Eventually, you’ll be able to go outside, feel the wind on your face, and pick up your dog’s poop in peace.